Look, about your father figure...and about Angie I guess. Y'deserve to be happy, Jimmy. No matter what happens, even if you feel like scum of the earth it's a person's right to at least fucking try.
[Cold start right into talking. Sorry Jimmy. He takes a second to think and take a drag off of his Chesterfield cigarette on the other end of the line.]
[He hadn't necessarily been expecting that, but then, Mr. White -- he can't think of him by his real name, even if he knows it. Mr. White seems more respectful -- always seems to look out for him, so he's not complaining.]
[That one gets him right in the chest like a well trained killshot. By that logic a crook has no fucking right with a cop.]
That wasn't what I was gonna say. We both know that love is a dog. You don't fucking know what it's about or what sense it'll make if any at all. Sometimes it's not about good or bad. What I want to tell you, ask you...
[He's not sure.]
You've been through a lot.
[Still going through a lot.]
Y'need to be sure you got your whole head and heart ready.
[He hates how whiny his voice sounds at that moment. He sounds like a goddamn kid, arguing with his dad. Funny, because he never really had a dad to argue with.]
It ain't like I'm fallin' in love with her. It's just somethin' fun to do, y'know? To pass the time? She ain't gonna fall in love with me, anyway. Not sure if my heart has a whole lot to do with this.
[Taking the bullshit. But really, it is something he can smell from where he is.]
Who's to say it'll change? Don't get caught playing blind man. You're a widower. You got a monkey on your back about what went down at home.
[White knows a thing or two about lying to yourself. Just together on a heist. Just living together. Just friends. Then all that fucking complication.]
If you're just playing, Angie's not the girl to be playing with. She deserves a fella who is in it 100%. If you're not then there you go.
[He's getting frustrated now, and not at Mr. White. At himself. Because he always does this, always gets too invested in things emotionally too quickly, always overreacts.]
So I got some problems from what happened at home. It ain't like everything was okay before Angela -- my wife, Angela, not... this Angela -- died.
[Shit. That really is obvious, isn't it? His type is spelled out, plain to see.]
We had a whole lotta fuckin' problems. I wasn't good enough for her, 'n I ain't good enough for this Angela, either, so don't worry about it, 'cause I'm not gonna toy with her heart.
The not being good enough bullshit. What? You got a yardstick you pull out and find you're not the right fit? Bullshit, kid. Keep talking like that, keep thinking like that and you'll stay a ripe sack of shit. Life is full of pain and garbage, yeah. There's some pretty damn good stuff. People are like that too.
[It's been real, real hard to keep his cool. Pardon him for being loud at least he hopes deep, deep down.]
I wanna be good, but it ain't that easy, is it? I'm a fuckin' murderer, okay? 'n I don't mean in the fuckin' military. I don't mean some bullshit moralistic thing about killin' people 'cause I was a soldier, 'cause I know all that got me was a medal and a fuckin' pat on the back for bein' so good at my "job."
[He's being loud now, too. Not out of anger, just out of frustration.]
So when I say I ain't good enough for someone like Angela? Believe me, I ain't. 'n if you knew half the shit I'd done in my life, you wouldn't even be wastin' your time talkin' to me.
Who the hell do you think you're dealing with? I'd be lucky if all I did was petty theft. I couldn't enlist cuz I already got locked up. I've killed plenty of times. Contract or no. It's not about morals. It's about you and the man you see in the mirror. If you want to feel fucking sorry for yourself, go down hard for that then I dunno what to tell you.
[Jesus. This kid. Just. Breath, Dimmy. Maybe it's a real good thing this is over the phone or else he'd try to shake him until his head sounds like a can with a few marbles in it.
By that logic, White is pretty much dirt. Heh.]
You're a fucking person. You're gonna do low shit. Some people gotta do more than others. If she can't see that then you ever think maybe she ain't good enough herself? What's the point in starting if y'don't think it'd work out?
I don't know. It ain't like feelin' sorry for myself feels great.
[A long pause. Really, he hasn't thought about it. He's been so damn invested in thinking of himself as a failure, as not good enough, that he hasn't considered it from anyone else's point of view.]
[Give him a couple of seconds. Now he's cooling his jets.]
Knowing what's right and what's wrong and that you done wrong and want to go some other way... that's a good thing, Jim. Stop believing things are either black or white. They're not. Neither are you.
[Two Angelas. Now that it's all sinking in it can't be good they have the same goddamn name.]
She was attracted to me. She had my kid, for fuck's sake.
[He's immediately defensive, and feels the need to say it, but he's cooling off a little, too.]
But she was in love with... a woman. A woman she was gonna run away with. 'n then later, when that didn't work out, she got involved with another woman, 'n... she died, too. When my wife did.
[A sigh.]
You got someone that's in love with you. That probably helps you think you ain't such a bad person, right?
I dunno her. I know you. Sounds like she was all twisted around. I'm sorry you and the kid had to suffer because of it.
[Plain and simple. Larry'd like to think that it was all because she was some fucked up broad. That'd go right up against his own advice. Hypocrisy tends to run high in Mr. White.]
Between you and me, I know I'm a bad person. All the things I did, I don't think I'll fit the mold. He makes me want to keep on trying. That makes me feel like a better person.
She was confused, but shit, can you blame her? I mean, she met me in college, I got her pregnant, 'n then I disappeared. Like she said, we never really knew each other, not really, 'n then I came back 'n I was totally different. 'n it wasn't like I was faithful, either.
[Of course he wasn't. He probably doesn't even need to say that.]
Does he think you're a good person? I mean, he's a cop, right? He's gotta think you're at least tryin' to be a good person.
I don't blame her. I don't blame you. What the hell were you supposed to do, Jim? The situation wasn't good. You kept on trying. Are you gonna kick yourself for doing your very fucking best anyway? That deserves a pat on the back. You could have bailed. I know a lot of runners.
[Who were not good people either. That is implied. Man, is life always so shitty if you weren't born on the right side of the tracks?]
Yeah. He's a cop.
[Common fact nowadays. Bringing it up in casual conversation does get his tension high again.]
An' he knows I'm trying. I guess he thinks I'm good. What matters to me if he thinks I'm good enough to put up with. How about you leave that decision up to Angie instead of making it for her?
Well, y'know, ain't it human nature to always wonder what you coulda done differently?
[Maybe it isn't. Maybe he just has one of those kind of brains that never shuts up.]
Sure, I guess. But for someone to make a decision like that, you gotta be honest with 'em, right? I mean, for them to make an informed decision. So how d'you go about talkin' about all that shit? How'd you do it, with your...
[He's still not sure what word to use here.]
Partner?
[That's sounds kind of businesslike. Sounds more mature than 'boyfriend' though, and he knows they're not married.]
Sure is. Wondering and dwelling though are apples and oranges. I know it's all fresh with your wife. Just don't go on and on like you died too. No matter how she felt for you in the end, you think she'd want you with that weight on you?
[Jimmy is the father of her son. She was someplace he had been recently. It couldn't have all been a doomed family photo.]
Well. We didn't talk about anything for awhile. And that was really good until things all exploded.
[Finding out he was a cop for one. Sometimes he still has a piss poor time with himself knowing what he did when he found out.]
I'd recommend starting small. Let her know you've done some things you regret, you're changing up your lifestyle. That's honest. Gauge things on how well she takes the little bits.
[For all their problems, he and Angela had cared about each other. Sure, maybe he'd been more in love with her than she'd been with him -- because he didn't think she'd ever really been in love with him, and that hurts to admit -- but there was mutual caring there. Even if it was just about Tommy.]
What happened when things exploded? I mean, you don't gotta tell me, but that's kinda what happened at home, too. I was... y'know, I came back, 'n I was pretendin' that everythin' I was doin' was completely on the level, 'n then she found out that I...
[A deep breath, but hey, Mr. White knows this shit.]
... was plannin' on killin' a guy. So that information came out pretty damn quick.
Probably not is reason enough to try and be happy. If there is an after life, if you believe in that, then you call all of that to feel bad and pay for what you did. Here in the City of all places you can and should try.
[That's what he and Freddy are doing.]
What happened was I lost my temper.
[Which is ideally where he'd want to leave it but it doesn't feel right to have the man so emotionally exposed and give so little.]
We were in on a job. That's how we met. I didn't know he was a cop. None of us did...
Well, since I'm pretty damn sure I'm goin' to hell anyway...
[He's only being halfway facetious. He's not really religious, but that Catholic guilt has a tendency of sticking with you.]
So he was undercover? He fuck you over?
[He doesn't necessarily trust cops. Then again, he also knows a lot of crooked cops, who wouldn't be in on a job to bust people so much as to reap the rewards for themselves.]
[All that forced praying, a real good, religious Mom that still died anyway changes his mind.]
He was doing his job.
[As an undercover...]
I stuck my head out for him, protected him. I can't say how it turned out how it did between us but it did. I get that anybody on the outside could point fingers but it's no one's business. For all that went down, I answer to him and he answers to me. Not a perfect start, you know?
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[After all that together? Damn.]
I mean, he can hold his shit but.
[You can't hear a head shake over the phone.]
He didn't give you no trouble?
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[He's already done that once before. Whoops.]
He didn't give me any trouble. We get along okay.
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[He pauses a moment.]
Look, about your father figure...and about Angie I guess. Y'deserve to be happy, Jimmy. No matter what happens, even if you feel like scum of the earth it's a person's right to at least fucking try.
[Cold start right into talking. Sorry Jimmy. He takes a second to think and take a drag off of his Chesterfield cigarette on the other end of the line.]
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Nah. You 'n I both know Angela's too good for me.
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That wasn't what I was gonna say. We both know that love is a dog. You don't fucking know what it's about or what sense it'll make if any at all. Sometimes it's not about good or bad. What I want to tell you, ask you...
[He's not sure.]
You've been through a lot.
[Still going through a lot.]
Y'need to be sure you got your whole head and heart ready.
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[He hates how whiny his voice sounds at that moment. He sounds like a goddamn kid, arguing with his dad. Funny, because he never really had a dad to argue with.]
It ain't like I'm fallin' in love with her. It's just somethin' fun to do, y'know? To pass the time? She ain't gonna fall in love with me, anyway. Not sure if my heart has a whole lot to do with this.
[That's bullshit, and he knows it.]
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[Taking the bullshit. But really, it is something he can smell from where he is.]
Who's to say it'll change? Don't get caught playing blind man. You're a widower. You got a monkey on your back about what went down at home.
[White knows a thing or two about lying to yourself. Just together on a heist. Just living together. Just friends. Then all that fucking complication.]
If you're just playing, Angie's not the girl to be playing with. She deserves a fella who is in it 100%. If you're not then there you go.
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[He's getting frustrated now, and not at Mr. White. At himself. Because he always does this, always gets too invested in things emotionally too quickly, always overreacts.]
So I got some problems from what happened at home. It ain't like everything was okay before Angela -- my wife, Angela, not... this Angela -- died.
[Shit. That really is obvious, isn't it? His type is spelled out, plain to see.]
We had a whole lotta fuckin' problems. I wasn't good enough for her, 'n I ain't good enough for this Angela, either, so don't worry about it, 'cause I'm not gonna toy with her heart.
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[Rather than coddle and indulge. Facts, Jim. He wants em.]
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[There's so much of it he can't keep it all straight.]
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[It's been real, real hard to keep his cool. Pardon him for being loud at least he hopes deep, deep down.]
You wanna be garbage or good stuff?
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[He's being loud now, too. Not out of anger, just out of frustration.]
So when I say I ain't good enough for someone like Angela? Believe me, I ain't. 'n if you knew half the shit I'd done in my life, you wouldn't even be wastin' your time talkin' to me.
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[Jesus. This kid. Just. Breath, Dimmy. Maybe it's a real good thing this is over the phone or else he'd try to shake him until his head sounds like a can with a few marbles in it.
By that logic, White is pretty much dirt. Heh.]
You're a fucking person. You're gonna do low shit. Some people gotta do more than others. If she can't see that then you ever think maybe she ain't good enough herself? What's the point in starting if y'don't think it'd work out?
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[A long pause. Really, he hasn't thought about it. He's been so damn invested in thinking of himself as a failure, as not good enough, that he hasn't considered it from anyone else's point of view.]
Y'know, my wife wasn't in love with me.
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Knowing what's right and what's wrong and that you done wrong and want to go some other way... that's a good thing, Jim. Stop believing things are either black or white. They're not. Neither are you.
[Two Angelas. Now that it's all sinking in it can't be good they have the same goddamn name.]
That because she was like Sappho?
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[He's immediately defensive, and feels the need to say it, but he's cooling off a little, too.]
But she was in love with... a woman. A woman she was gonna run away with. 'n then later, when that didn't work out, she got involved with another woman, 'n... she died, too. When my wife did.
[A sigh.]
You got someone that's in love with you. That probably helps you think you ain't such a bad person, right?
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[Plain and simple. Larry'd like to think that it was all because she was some fucked up broad. That'd go right up against his own advice. Hypocrisy tends to run high in Mr. White.]
Between you and me, I know I'm a bad person. All the things I did, I don't think I'll fit the mold. He makes me want to keep on trying. That makes me feel like a better person.
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[Of course he wasn't. He probably doesn't even need to say that.]
Does he think you're a good person? I mean, he's a cop, right? He's gotta think you're at least tryin' to be a good person.
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[Who were not good people either. That is implied. Man, is life always so shitty if you weren't born on the right side of the tracks?]
Yeah. He's a cop.
[Common fact nowadays. Bringing it up in casual conversation does get his tension high again.]
An' he knows I'm trying. I guess he thinks I'm good. What matters to me if he thinks I'm good enough to put up with. How about you leave that decision up to Angie instead of making it for her?
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[Maybe it isn't. Maybe he just has one of those kind of brains that never shuts up.]
Sure, I guess. But for someone to make a decision like that, you gotta be honest with 'em, right? I mean, for them to make an informed decision. So how d'you go about talkin' about all that shit? How'd you do it, with your...
[He's still not sure what word to use here.]
Partner?
[That's sounds kind of businesslike. Sounds more mature than 'boyfriend' though, and he knows they're not married.]
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[Jimmy is the father of her son. She was someplace he had been recently. It couldn't have all been a doomed family photo.]
Well. We didn't talk about anything for awhile. And that was really good until things all exploded.
[Finding out he was a cop for one. Sometimes he still has a piss poor time with himself knowing what he did when he found out.]
I'd recommend starting small. Let her know you've done some things you regret, you're changing up your lifestyle. That's honest. Gauge things on how well she takes the little bits.
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[For all their problems, he and Angela had cared about each other. Sure, maybe he'd been more in love with her than she'd been with him -- because he didn't think she'd ever really been in love with him, and that hurts to admit -- but there was mutual caring there. Even if it was just about Tommy.]
What happened when things exploded? I mean, you don't gotta tell me, but that's kinda what happened at home, too. I was... y'know, I came back, 'n I was pretendin' that everythin' I was doin' was completely on the level, 'n then she found out that I...
[A deep breath, but hey, Mr. White knows this shit.]
... was plannin' on killin' a guy. So that information came out pretty damn quick.
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[That's what he and Freddy are doing.]
What happened was I lost my temper.
[Which is ideally where he'd want to leave it but it doesn't feel right to have the man so emotionally exposed and give so little.]
We were in on a job. That's how we met. I didn't know he was a cop. None of us did...
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[He's only being halfway facetious. He's not really religious, but that Catholic guilt has a tendency of sticking with you.]
So he was undercover? He fuck you over?
[He doesn't necessarily trust cops. Then again, he also knows a lot of crooked cops, who wouldn't be in on a job to bust people so much as to reap the rewards for themselves.]
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[All that forced praying, a real good, religious Mom that still died anyway changes his mind.]
He was doing his job.
[As an undercover...]
I stuck my head out for him, protected him. I can't say how it turned out how it did between us but it did. I get that anybody on the outside could point fingers but it's no one's business. For all that went down, I answer to him and he answers to me. Not a perfect start, you know?
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