I wanna be good, but it ain't that easy, is it? I'm a fuckin' murderer, okay? 'n I don't mean in the fuckin' military. I don't mean some bullshit moralistic thing about killin' people 'cause I was a soldier, 'cause I know all that got me was a medal and a fuckin' pat on the back for bein' so good at my "job."
[He's being loud now, too. Not out of anger, just out of frustration.]
So when I say I ain't good enough for someone like Angela? Believe me, I ain't. 'n if you knew half the shit I'd done in my life, you wouldn't even be wastin' your time talkin' to me.
Who the hell do you think you're dealing with? I'd be lucky if all I did was petty theft. I couldn't enlist cuz I already got locked up. I've killed plenty of times. Contract or no. It's not about morals. It's about you and the man you see in the mirror. If you want to feel fucking sorry for yourself, go down hard for that then I dunno what to tell you.
[Jesus. This kid. Just. Breath, Dimmy. Maybe it's a real good thing this is over the phone or else he'd try to shake him until his head sounds like a can with a few marbles in it.
By that logic, White is pretty much dirt. Heh.]
You're a fucking person. You're gonna do low shit. Some people gotta do more than others. If she can't see that then you ever think maybe she ain't good enough herself? What's the point in starting if y'don't think it'd work out?
I don't know. It ain't like feelin' sorry for myself feels great.
[A long pause. Really, he hasn't thought about it. He's been so damn invested in thinking of himself as a failure, as not good enough, that he hasn't considered it from anyone else's point of view.]
[Give him a couple of seconds. Now he's cooling his jets.]
Knowing what's right and what's wrong and that you done wrong and want to go some other way... that's a good thing, Jim. Stop believing things are either black or white. They're not. Neither are you.
[Two Angelas. Now that it's all sinking in it can't be good they have the same goddamn name.]
She was attracted to me. She had my kid, for fuck's sake.
[He's immediately defensive, and feels the need to say it, but he's cooling off a little, too.]
But she was in love with... a woman. A woman she was gonna run away with. 'n then later, when that didn't work out, she got involved with another woman, 'n... she died, too. When my wife did.
[A sigh.]
You got someone that's in love with you. That probably helps you think you ain't such a bad person, right?
I dunno her. I know you. Sounds like she was all twisted around. I'm sorry you and the kid had to suffer because of it.
[Plain and simple. Larry'd like to think that it was all because she was some fucked up broad. That'd go right up against his own advice. Hypocrisy tends to run high in Mr. White.]
Between you and me, I know I'm a bad person. All the things I did, I don't think I'll fit the mold. He makes me want to keep on trying. That makes me feel like a better person.
She was confused, but shit, can you blame her? I mean, she met me in college, I got her pregnant, 'n then I disappeared. Like she said, we never really knew each other, not really, 'n then I came back 'n I was totally different. 'n it wasn't like I was faithful, either.
[Of course he wasn't. He probably doesn't even need to say that.]
Does he think you're a good person? I mean, he's a cop, right? He's gotta think you're at least tryin' to be a good person.
I don't blame her. I don't blame you. What the hell were you supposed to do, Jim? The situation wasn't good. You kept on trying. Are you gonna kick yourself for doing your very fucking best anyway? That deserves a pat on the back. You could have bailed. I know a lot of runners.
[Who were not good people either. That is implied. Man, is life always so shitty if you weren't born on the right side of the tracks?]
Yeah. He's a cop.
[Common fact nowadays. Bringing it up in casual conversation does get his tension high again.]
An' he knows I'm trying. I guess he thinks I'm good. What matters to me if he thinks I'm good enough to put up with. How about you leave that decision up to Angie instead of making it for her?
Well, y'know, ain't it human nature to always wonder what you coulda done differently?
[Maybe it isn't. Maybe he just has one of those kind of brains that never shuts up.]
Sure, I guess. But for someone to make a decision like that, you gotta be honest with 'em, right? I mean, for them to make an informed decision. So how d'you go about talkin' about all that shit? How'd you do it, with your...
[He's still not sure what word to use here.]
Partner?
[That's sounds kind of businesslike. Sounds more mature than 'boyfriend' though, and he knows they're not married.]
Sure is. Wondering and dwelling though are apples and oranges. I know it's all fresh with your wife. Just don't go on and on like you died too. No matter how she felt for you in the end, you think she'd want you with that weight on you?
[Jimmy is the father of her son. She was someplace he had been recently. It couldn't have all been a doomed family photo.]
Well. We didn't talk about anything for awhile. And that was really good until things all exploded.
[Finding out he was a cop for one. Sometimes he still has a piss poor time with himself knowing what he did when he found out.]
I'd recommend starting small. Let her know you've done some things you regret, you're changing up your lifestyle. That's honest. Gauge things on how well she takes the little bits.
[For all their problems, he and Angela had cared about each other. Sure, maybe he'd been more in love with her than she'd been with him -- because he didn't think she'd ever really been in love with him, and that hurts to admit -- but there was mutual caring there. Even if it was just about Tommy.]
What happened when things exploded? I mean, you don't gotta tell me, but that's kinda what happened at home, too. I was... y'know, I came back, 'n I was pretendin' that everythin' I was doin' was completely on the level, 'n then she found out that I...
[A deep breath, but hey, Mr. White knows this shit.]
... was plannin' on killin' a guy. So that information came out pretty damn quick.
Probably not is reason enough to try and be happy. If there is an after life, if you believe in that, then you call all of that to feel bad and pay for what you did. Here in the City of all places you can and should try.
[That's what he and Freddy are doing.]
What happened was I lost my temper.
[Which is ideally where he'd want to leave it but it doesn't feel right to have the man so emotionally exposed and give so little.]
We were in on a job. That's how we met. I didn't know he was a cop. None of us did...
Well, since I'm pretty damn sure I'm goin' to hell anyway...
[He's only being halfway facetious. He's not really religious, but that Catholic guilt has a tendency of sticking with you.]
So he was undercover? He fuck you over?
[He doesn't necessarily trust cops. Then again, he also knows a lot of crooked cops, who wouldn't be in on a job to bust people so much as to reap the rewards for themselves.]
[All that forced praying, a real good, religious Mom that still died anyway changes his mind.]
He was doing his job.
[As an undercover...]
I stuck my head out for him, protected him. I can't say how it turned out how it did between us but it did. I get that anybody on the outside could point fingers but it's no one's business. For all that went down, I answer to him and he answers to me. Not a perfect start, you know?
Well, y'know, I figure I'll be in good company. Half of the guys I know're probably gonna be burnin' in hell right alongside me.
[He used to think he was the only bad guy around. Lately, he's been thinking that maybe there're a lot more bad guys out there than he thinks. Which kinda makes him think that maybe he isn't as bad as he thought he was.]
That's good. I'm glad you have each other.
[He doesn't know if he's ever had someone like that. At least, not someone he's that close to that he also feels romantically about.]
[Let him just light a cigarette to hide the fact that he's about to be overly emotional.]
... means a hell of a lot more than hearin' it from most other people, that's all. The last time anyone said that kinda thing to me, he was lyin' through his teeth. But I don't think you're like that.
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[He's being loud now, too. Not out of anger, just out of frustration.]
So when I say I ain't good enough for someone like Angela? Believe me, I ain't. 'n if you knew half the shit I'd done in my life, you wouldn't even be wastin' your time talkin' to me.
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[Jesus. This kid. Just. Breath, Dimmy. Maybe it's a real good thing this is over the phone or else he'd try to shake him until his head sounds like a can with a few marbles in it.
By that logic, White is pretty much dirt. Heh.]
You're a fucking person. You're gonna do low shit. Some people gotta do more than others. If she can't see that then you ever think maybe she ain't good enough herself? What's the point in starting if y'don't think it'd work out?
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[A long pause. Really, he hasn't thought about it. He's been so damn invested in thinking of himself as a failure, as not good enough, that he hasn't considered it from anyone else's point of view.]
Y'know, my wife wasn't in love with me.
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Knowing what's right and what's wrong and that you done wrong and want to go some other way... that's a good thing, Jim. Stop believing things are either black or white. They're not. Neither are you.
[Two Angelas. Now that it's all sinking in it can't be good they have the same goddamn name.]
That because she was like Sappho?
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[He's immediately defensive, and feels the need to say it, but he's cooling off a little, too.]
But she was in love with... a woman. A woman she was gonna run away with. 'n then later, when that didn't work out, she got involved with another woman, 'n... she died, too. When my wife did.
[A sigh.]
You got someone that's in love with you. That probably helps you think you ain't such a bad person, right?
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[Plain and simple. Larry'd like to think that it was all because she was some fucked up broad. That'd go right up against his own advice. Hypocrisy tends to run high in Mr. White.]
Between you and me, I know I'm a bad person. All the things I did, I don't think I'll fit the mold. He makes me want to keep on trying. That makes me feel like a better person.
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[Of course he wasn't. He probably doesn't even need to say that.]
Does he think you're a good person? I mean, he's a cop, right? He's gotta think you're at least tryin' to be a good person.
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[Who were not good people either. That is implied. Man, is life always so shitty if you weren't born on the right side of the tracks?]
Yeah. He's a cop.
[Common fact nowadays. Bringing it up in casual conversation does get his tension high again.]
An' he knows I'm trying. I guess he thinks I'm good. What matters to me if he thinks I'm good enough to put up with. How about you leave that decision up to Angie instead of making it for her?
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[Maybe it isn't. Maybe he just has one of those kind of brains that never shuts up.]
Sure, I guess. But for someone to make a decision like that, you gotta be honest with 'em, right? I mean, for them to make an informed decision. So how d'you go about talkin' about all that shit? How'd you do it, with your...
[He's still not sure what word to use here.]
Partner?
[That's sounds kind of businesslike. Sounds more mature than 'boyfriend' though, and he knows they're not married.]
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[Jimmy is the father of her son. She was someplace he had been recently. It couldn't have all been a doomed family photo.]
Well. We didn't talk about anything for awhile. And that was really good until things all exploded.
[Finding out he was a cop for one. Sometimes he still has a piss poor time with himself knowing what he did when he found out.]
I'd recommend starting small. Let her know you've done some things you regret, you're changing up your lifestyle. That's honest. Gauge things on how well she takes the little bits.
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[For all their problems, he and Angela had cared about each other. Sure, maybe he'd been more in love with her than she'd been with him -- because he didn't think she'd ever really been in love with him, and that hurts to admit -- but there was mutual caring there. Even if it was just about Tommy.]
What happened when things exploded? I mean, you don't gotta tell me, but that's kinda what happened at home, too. I was... y'know, I came back, 'n I was pretendin' that everythin' I was doin' was completely on the level, 'n then she found out that I...
[A deep breath, but hey, Mr. White knows this shit.]
... was plannin' on killin' a guy. So that information came out pretty damn quick.
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[That's what he and Freddy are doing.]
What happened was I lost my temper.
[Which is ideally where he'd want to leave it but it doesn't feel right to have the man so emotionally exposed and give so little.]
We were in on a job. That's how we met. I didn't know he was a cop. None of us did...
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[He's only being halfway facetious. He's not really religious, but that Catholic guilt has a tendency of sticking with you.]
So he was undercover? He fuck you over?
[He doesn't necessarily trust cops. Then again, he also knows a lot of crooked cops, who wouldn't be in on a job to bust people so much as to reap the rewards for themselves.]
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[All that forced praying, a real good, religious Mom that still died anyway changes his mind.]
He was doing his job.
[As an undercover...]
I stuck my head out for him, protected him. I can't say how it turned out how it did between us but it did. I get that anybody on the outside could point fingers but it's no one's business. For all that went down, I answer to him and he answers to me. Not a perfect start, you know?
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[He used to think he was the only bad guy around. Lately, he's been thinking that maybe there're a lot more bad guys out there than he thinks. Which kinda makes him think that maybe he isn't as bad as he thought he was.]
That's good. I'm glad you have each other.
[He doesn't know if he's ever had someone like that. At least, not someone he's that close to that he also feels romantically about.]
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It took work. No, it takes work. It's not out of the blue. No one waved a wand.
[Not even in a place filled with curses or magic.]
I think you're worth it, Jimmy. You're worth the work. Hope you can figure that out for yourself.
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[Let him just light a cigarette to hide the fact that he's about to be overly emotional.]
... means a hell of a lot more than hearin' it from most other people, that's all. The last time anyone said that kinda thing to me, he was lyin' through his teeth. But I don't think you're like that.
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No, I'm not like that.
[Not right now and not with Jimmy.]
I say it because you need to hear it. And I'll say it more because you're a shitty listener.
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[He's listening now, though. Mostly.]
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[Which could be why despite frustration he keeps...on...trying... Look at him on the phone this long for god's sake.]
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[Immediate and genuine encouragement. Goddamn if he can't try pick up the guy when he's down so low.]
I'll check up on you later, brother.
[He can't bring himself to say that he's welcome because White now feels uncertain of how much good it all did in a short amount of time.]