Yeah, I'd like to redeem myself. Wouldn't we all? I mean, there's a lot that we've all done we ain't proud of. I've got more of it than some people, I guess, but I'd like to make up for some of it.
[She nods over the rim of her glass. There are some things she regrets, minor things, nothing that ruined lives or anything, but regrets all the same. Angela may never get the chance to fix things, being stuck here and all, and ruminating on it will help no one. Jimmy doing the same will have him going around in circles, trying to find a way to absolve himself, but never being satisfied in the things he does.
A sip later, she decides it's best to be direct before he gets too drunk to skate around her questions.]
[Another long swig of his drink, a shake of his head.]
Droppin' out of college. Joinin' the military. Not bein' there for my fiancee or my son. Gettin' involved in...
[A pause. How does he phrase this without sounding incredibly criminal?]
Less than ethical activities. Always tryin' to live up to what the guys who raised me wanted me to be. Insistin' to my fiancee that we had to get married, just 'cause we had a kid. Bein' indirectly responsible for her death. Y'know. That kinda thing.
First things first... [She reaches for the whiskey, topping off his glass. With the way the nights going, he looks like he'll be going through the liquor pretty quickly.] Dropping out of college doesn't make you less of a person, so let's get that one out of the way. Neither does joining the military. Some of the best people I know are military.
[He already sounds incredibly criminal to her, but she's not here to judge and besides, her morals are so grey that what he's done is done and with him sick with regret already, judging him would just be cruel.]
Indirectly isn't directly. You can't blame yourself for somebody else's actions or choices, Jimmy. That's not fair to yourself and I doubt she would blame you for it.
[Angela will get back to the rest of his list, but those were the easiest to get over.]
[He smiles his appreciation for the refill, then takes a long swig of the whiskey before speaking again.]
All my... he wasn't my dad, but he might as well have been... all he ever wanted me to do was get a good education. A degree. Not to drop out. Instead, I joined up with the fuckin' army, ended up with shrapnel in my leg and a fucked up mind, 'n a kid I wasn't there to see for the first three years of his life.
[He sighs.]
I ain't tryin' to make this a pity party, but I can't think of anythin' I've done right. I know it wasn't my fault that she died, but... if I'd've been a better person, nobody'd've killed her to get back at me.
Hey, we all deserve a pity party once in our lives. This is the only one I'm going to entertain you with.
[She smiles slightly, a teasing note to her words. She wouldn't turn him away if he needed to talk in the future, but her stance would be the same as it is now. There's a good man deep down in there; he just needs to see it for himself.]
But dropping out was your choice. Joining the military was what you wanted to do. And no, it's not about whether you were a bad man or could have been a better person. Whoever killed her... that's on them. If they had a problem with you, they could have been an adult and brought it to you, not take a lowbrow solution to the problem. And you know what you've done right? You feel. There are so many people who do things and don't feel a bit of regret. Feeling regret means that somewhere in there is a man who does good. Who can do good. Don't ever forget that. Don't ever cheapen what you truly are.
It wasn't... droppin' out wasn't entirely my choice. Somethin' happened that...
[But no, he can't go there. He can't discuss that with her, because he's never discussed it with anyone, not even his former wife. No, he's learning how to open up and talk about feelings here in the City, but there are certain things he'll never divulge.]
Anyway, you're right. I treated the military like it was an escape from my worries, 'n it wasn't, of course, but... I learned some good things there, too. Discipline.
[Although he's still impulsive as hell, which she's probably noticed.]
[Angela might be the nosiest creature in the world, but even she knows when not to push. There's something he doesn't want to talk about and his body language tells her he's shutting down on in. Poking will get her nowhere and this night is about him, not satisfying her curiosity.]
There you go. There's always a bright side to things. Discipline. Something you probably needed and wasn't getting anywhere else.
[She has and to be honest, she loves the impulsive nature that bounces off of her own.]
Yeah, you're right about that. I mean, I think my father would've liked to give me some kinda discipline, but he was never around much, 'n then the other guy, well... he tried his best, but y'know, I think I've always been stubborn as hell.
Don't make being stubborn sound like a bad thing. It's good you know when to stand your ground and when to make your own choices regardless of what other people want for your life. Another person can't live your life for you.
[The warmth of the vodka is starting to settle in her belly and Angela stretches, toes pointed all catlike and kicks her shoes off, pulling her knees up to her chest. She's getting comfortable. If he wants her out sometime tonight, now is the best time to kick her out.]
About your son... [Pouring herself another drink, she tips the glass around in circles, spinning the fluid inside of it.] He's still young. You still have many more years to make up for the lost time. What is he, three, you said? He doesn't hold it against you.
[She keeps shaking her head as he talks because it's ridiculous. No, it's not ridiculous. It's real and if his gut instinct tells him so, then it just might be true. Still, she can't accept him going back to his death. Justin went back to be dead. She doesn't need another friend going back to nothing at all.]
You don't know that. That's the future and maybe he was just going to yell at you, tell you he was disappointed. I doubt he was going to kill you. A father figure doesn't do that.
[Or so she would like to think, but Angela knows people can be surprisingly evil.]
I want to believe that you're right, 'n I wanna believe that I'll be around, but it's hard to, when I've known the guy my whole life, 'n I know what he's capable of. But none of that matters here, y'know? For now, I'm here, 'n I'm alive. Alive again.
[Nothing at home matters here. After a while, no one remembers what you did there or better yet, there's nobody to know what you did to begin with. For all the City's faults, it is a fresh start for so many people.
Angela reaches out and wraps her fingers around his wrist, holding on firmly, not wanting to let go. Unlike all the other dead people she's ever touched, he still feels full of life, warmth, and potential.]
Yes, still alive. Still warm. Still having a pulse. Still able to show people you're not a fuck up like you think you are.
You still got time to get over yourself. [She chuckles, thumb idly rubbing at his pulse point.] What's done is done, so you'll do better. I've got faith in you.
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A sip later, she decides it's best to be direct before he gets too drunk to skate around her questions.]
What do you regret so much?
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[Another long swig of his drink, a shake of his head.]
Droppin' out of college. Joinin' the military. Not bein' there for my fiancee or my son. Gettin' involved in...
[A pause. How does he phrase this without sounding incredibly criminal?]
Less than ethical activities. Always tryin' to live up to what the guys who raised me wanted me to be. Insistin' to my fiancee that we had to get married, just 'cause we had a kid. Bein' indirectly responsible for her death. Y'know. That kinda thing.
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[He already sounds incredibly criminal to her, but she's not here to judge and besides, her morals are so grey that what he's done is done and with him sick with regret already, judging him would just be cruel.]
Indirectly isn't directly. You can't blame yourself for somebody else's actions or choices, Jimmy. That's not fair to yourself and I doubt she would blame you for it.
[Angela will get back to the rest of his list, but those were the easiest to get over.]
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All my... he wasn't my dad, but he might as well have been... all he ever wanted me to do was get a good education. A degree. Not to drop out. Instead, I joined up with the fuckin' army, ended up with shrapnel in my leg and a fucked up mind, 'n a kid I wasn't there to see for the first three years of his life.
[He sighs.]
I ain't tryin' to make this a pity party, but I can't think of anythin' I've done right. I know it wasn't my fault that she died, but... if I'd've been a better person, nobody'd've killed her to get back at me.
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[She smiles slightly, a teasing note to her words. She wouldn't turn him away if he needed to talk in the future, but her stance would be the same as it is now. There's a good man deep down in there; he just needs to see it for himself.]
But dropping out was your choice. Joining the military was what you wanted to do. And no, it's not about whether you were a bad man or could have been a better person. Whoever killed her... that's on them. If they had a problem with you, they could have been an adult and brought it to you, not take a lowbrow solution to the problem. And you know what you've done right? You feel. There are so many people who do things and don't feel a bit of regret. Feeling regret means that somewhere in there is a man who does good. Who can do good. Don't ever forget that. Don't ever cheapen what you truly are.
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[But no, he can't go there. He can't discuss that with her, because he's never discussed it with anyone, not even his former wife. No, he's learning how to open up and talk about feelings here in the City, but there are certain things he'll never divulge.]
Anyway, you're right. I treated the military like it was an escape from my worries, 'n it wasn't, of course, but... I learned some good things there, too. Discipline.
[Although he's still impulsive as hell, which she's probably noticed.]
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There you go. There's always a bright side to things. Discipline. Something you probably needed and wasn't getting anywhere else.
[She has and to be honest, she loves the impulsive nature that bounces off of her own.]
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[That's probably obvious, too.]
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Don't make being stubborn sound like a bad thing. It's good you know when to stand your ground and when to make your own choices regardless of what other people want for your life. Another person can't live your life for you.
[The warmth of the vodka is starting to settle in her belly and Angela stretches, toes pointed all catlike and kicks her shoes off, pulling her knees up to her chest. She's getting comfortable. If he wants her out sometime tonight, now is the best time to kick her out.]
About your son... [Pouring herself another drink, she tips the glass around in circles, spinning the fluid inside of it.] He's still young. You still have many more years to make up for the lost time. What is he, three, you said? He doesn't hold it against you.
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[There's no way he's going to be kicking her out. No, she's here, and she's listening, and that's better than most people do.]
... he ain't gonna have me around for much longer. Back home, I'm... I mean, I die. I think. I'm pretty sure.
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[She frowns at that bit of negativity. Maybe he's done some bad things, but as far as Angela knows, Jimmy ain't a fortune teller.]
You don't know that. Just because you died here doesn't mean you'll die there.
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[He laughs, because what can you do but laugh, really, in a situation so ridiculous?]
I was on my way to meet with him right before I got pulled back here. He was gonna kill me.
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You don't know that. That's the future and maybe he was just going to yell at you, tell you he was disappointed. I doubt he was going to kill you. A father figure doesn't do that.
[Or so she would like to think, but Angela knows people can be surprisingly evil.]
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Angela reaches out and wraps her fingers around his wrist, holding on firmly, not wanting to let go. Unlike all the other dead people she's ever touched, he still feels full of life, warmth, and potential.]
Yes, still alive. Still warm. Still having a pulse. Still able to show people you're not a fuck up like you think you are.
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Some people don't come back with a heartbeat, I guess. I got lucky. I've still got time to...
[He shrugs.]
Well, I can't right a lotta wrongs. But I can try to do better now.
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You still got time to get over yourself. [She chuckles, thumb idly rubbing at his pulse point.] What's done is done, so you'll do better. I've got faith in you.
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No, you don't want to be raised around me. I probably would have gotten you in a lot more trouble than you did yourself.
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